I'm done.

March 4, 2013


I'm done. I allowed myself to hope, to really really hope this last month and when it didn't happen again it broke me. I don't know how much more my heart can take. I honestly thought it was our month. I didn't say it out loud but I was so positive. I was practically swimming in the positive energy.

We had plans. How we would tell our family. How we'd celebrate. Then I wasn't. My heart was broken. Again. I feel like i'm starting to lose my faith in it happening and don't want to pray for it anymore.

I can't take anymore. Well not right now anyway. I can't keep hoping and falling down like this each month. It's debilitating. If we could, i'd go straight back to the fertility specialist and get right into IVF, no more waiting. But we can't until later in the year so that's not even an option right now.

So i'm done. We're done. We aren't trying to have a baby anymore. No tests, no counting dates, no excitement over future babies. I'm turning it off, my emotions (i'm going vulcan). I know you can't just turn off your feelings but i'm going to do everything I can to distract myself. That means deleting the app that tracks ovulation, removing the facebook group i'm part of about infertility. Those little things that are reminders.

I'm not going to stop praying. I know at even my darkest, hardest times my Heavenly Father has always been there for me. But my prayers are changing. I'm going to pray for strength and help to distract myself and be happy until we can be blessed with a baby. Because I really need help to do that.

I don't know how well I will do, but today is a new day and the start of a new week, a new month, a new focus. We are going on a trip in a few months that we are really looking forward as well. Until that time, my focus is on getting healthier, being happy and enjoying all the fun we can have, losing weight and saving money (because somehow we have to afford the trip we bought flights for!).

I don't think i'll be perfect and I'll still have times that are hard... but I guess I felt like I needed to put out there how I feel and my plans to cope, so I can feel like I have the power to do it. I can't control when I can have a baby. But I can control how much I weigh, how much money I save and how healthy and happy I am.

So wish me luck... and happy Monday.

15 Comments »

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15 Responses to “I'm done. ”

  1. Sorry. My heart hurts for you!

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    1. I'm sorry, I don't want anyone to hurt for us but I know that it's because you care - so thank you for caring so much x

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  2. I can't imagine what you must go through every month, every day! and being so brave to share it! Never loose hope! and pray for strength to endure, your time to be a mummy will come *hugs* Xx

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    1. Thank you so much, I don't feel brave - not even close. Appreciate the love and support x

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  4. my heart hurts for you. but you are strong like your father and although I worry for you I also know that you will be ok. I am always here for you. just ask. love you forever.

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    1. Thanks, I wish I was as strong as him. I love you and appreciate you every day x

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    2. You are Bella, Whilst it may not feel like it at times, you so are. I know you will make it through this and come out even stronger. You know I am always here and I am so so proud of you right now for being open and honest and true to yourself. Love you so much gorgeous xoxo

      A very proud big sister right here <-----

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  5. jess i think it is smart to take a break sometimes and only you two know when that time is. you know what you need and are wise for giving yourself a break. it will be impossible to not think about it but hopefully by taking away some of those constant reminders it will be easier. i'm glad you have a vacation to look forward to - i think you need to keep giving yourself things to look forward to!

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  6. I'm so sorry Jess. I know (from my own personal infertility journey) how hard this can be. However, I will say that taking a break and focusing on something else can do wonders for your spirit. I love that you guys are planning a fun trip. Give yourself time, and try to enjoy and look forward to these other things in life. Keeping you in my prayers!

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  7. Keep praying. And please please don't give up. Someone bore their testimony in church yesterday that made me think of you. It took them 10 years to get pregnant. And how they weren't ready those 9 years. How they KNOW God had better things in store. Trust. . . in faith. This will all make sense. Just press on. & I'll keep you in my prayers daily. Love you guys!


    we&serendipity

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  9. I love your honesty in this post! And I think it is a great idea to focus on the things you can change instead of the things that are more on God's timing.

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  10. I am a new follower! I just found your blog and although I don't know your story, as I havent had the time to catch up, I read this post and thought I have been there! I have felt all of these same feelings, infact, I lost God in the process.. is it possible to be mad at Him? I'm working on it, but anyways, when your heart has healed, you will again find that little glimmer of hope. It took me 3 months before I could even bring up even the thought of it! I'm sorry for your loss, your hurt and your pain. I HOPE and will hopefully one day pray again that things will get better!

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Thanks for taking the time to comment - you're pretty awesome! I do my best to reply to all comments via email so make sure your 'reply by email' setting is active!

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